Sunday, June 28, 2020

Roomba Shaming 3: AAAAALFREEEEEED!!!!!!!

[The text of Alfred the Roomba's shaming sign: "I got a hold of my mom's Apple headphones and chewed them up."]

The other day at work, I got a notification on my phone saying that Alfred needed his main brushes cleaned out. I rolled my eyes, because I had just cleaned out his brushes earlier this week, and it sounded like he was being a drama queen.

I came home for lunch and found Alfred sitting in the middle of the living room floor. I rolled my eyes again. But then I looked up, and there in his vacuum tracks path, looking utterly steamrolled, was a white cord. My heart filled with dread.

I don't know how he got them, because I certainly didn't leave them on the floor. But Alfred made a snack out of my Apple headphones. You might notice that one of the ear buds has been chewed right off. Want to know where I found it?

Alfred, you jerk.

Sunday, June 21, 2020

Fatherly Advice

Happy Father's Day to all the fathers out there! (Especially mine)

As part of our celebrations today, I reminisced with my father about some of the advice he's given me over the past five years. But I also wanted to give a special shout-out to some of the advice he gave me earlier in my life.

With zero context, I present to you three suggestions my father made to me before 2015:

1. Pull my finger.

2. Give that trash can a kiss.

3. Try this new pen I got- it writes in a really cool color.

(I might never forgive you, Dad. Happy Father's Day, though.)