Sunday, June 22, 2014

A Trip to Church: A Play in One Act

A Trip to Church
A Play in One Act

Dramatis Personae

An editorial intern. New to the city of Richmond
and rather afraid of its streets. Not good at

A 2014 Ford Fiesta hatchback. Silver. Equipped
with Sync system. Loves to drive and is very

The Google Maps app on Rebecca's iPhone.
Renowned for reliability and a veteran
at saving Rebecca's bacon.

Setting: Various streets of Richmond and a parking garage. REBECCA and GPS are inside CAR.

REBECCA: Okay, guys. Let's get going to church. This is a little bit later than I wanted to leave, but we still have over forty-five minutes before the service starts, so I think we'll be okay.

CAR: Oh boy! We get to go somewhere other than work!

REBECCA: I have a vague idea of where I'm going, but I'm still going to need some help. GPS?

GPS: Here's the route I think you should take.

REBECCA: Okay, let's see. This street... turn right here...

GPS: Hey! Quit dragging around on my face! I can't tell if you're trying to change the route or what. Just let me tell you when to turn.

REBECCA: I was just curious. Jeez. Okay, let's go.

CAR: Wheeeeeee! Nobody has a turning radius like mine! I'm awesome! This is exciting! You never drive me anywhere!

REBECCA: Walking's good exercise.

CAR: Who needs to be in shape if you have a zippy car like me?

GPS: Turn left here.

REBECCA: So far so good.

CAR: Can we turn on some music?

REBECCA: I'd rather not. You're not always good at switching between the iTunes and the Google Maps app. I don't want to get lost.

CAR: Aww, that was just one time.

GPS: Turn left here.

CAR: I'm great at left turns. No traffic! Yay!

REBECCA: It's only supposed to take us eight minutes to get to the church, so I think we'll be in good shape.

GPS: Head west on this street.

REBECCA: What? West? Which way is west?!

CAR: Let's go this way!

GPS: Wait, wait, wait, no! Don't-! Aaaaaaagh. Let me recalculate the route.

REBECCA: Well, sorry. How about a "left" or a "right" next time?

GPS: Still recalculating.

REBECCA: If you could hurry, that'd be nice. I don't want to get too far off track.

GPS: I'm trying to concentrate.

REBECCA: Why on earth did you take me this way anyway? I thought we were just going three blocks up the street and taking a turn on Monument.

GPS: Take the exit in one-fourth of a mile.

REBECCA: Exit? What do you mean, exit? We're not on a highway.

CAR: This is fun! Wanna see me switch lanes?

REBECCA: Okay. This is insane. I'm pulling into this convenient parking lot and we're going to sort out the right route to church.

CAR: Boooooooo! I don't wanna stop!

GPS: All right, fine. Here's the route.

REBECCA: What?! How did I get all the way out here? Why did you take me this way?

GPS: I took the information I was given and I plotted out the shortest route to get there. If you don't like it, you should be more careful the next time you plug in an address.

REBECCA: This is not my fault. How did we even get all the way out here? We're never going to make it to church on time!

GPS: Am I to blame for your inability to follow directions?

CAR: Come on, you guys. Don't fight! Let's start driving again.

REBECCA: You know what, whatever. Just get me there. Let's go.

GPS: Turn right here.


CAR: Ah, the breeze blowing over my windshield on a fine Sunday morning. Doesn't driving make you feel relaxed and happy?

GPS: Go west on this road.

REBECCA: Stop saying that! I don't know which way is west! I can't stick my head out the window and judge the position of the sun! Tell me left or right!

CAR: Well... we're going east right now, if that helps.

REBECCA: Wait, so... I'm going the exact opposite of the way I want to go? Brilliant. Wonderful. This is ridiculous!

GPS: Recalculating.

REBECCA: I don't even recognize any of these buildings!

CAR: Come on, church bus! Quit blocking the road! I wanna drive!

REBECCA: Maybe we should just follow the bus and go to whatever church it ends up at.

GPS: Turn right here.

REBECCA: And then what?

CAR: It's not a good idea to look at your phone while you're driving...

REBECCA: We're at a red light. Shush. Okay, right here, left here...

CAR: Green light! Whoo! Aww, come on. Am I the only one that's happy?

REBECCA: Wait... this is the road! This is the road I'm supposed to turn right on!

CAR: Turning! Whee!

REBECCA: Hey, GPS, was there any reason you didn't tell me I was supposed to turn just then?

GPS: Turn left on Bricks Road. Turn left on Adams Street. Turn left on Caroline Road.

REBECCA: What?! Stop! Are you crazy? One at a time!

CAR: Uh, Rebecca, I think GPS is a little confused, so I'm just going to disconnect her. I bet you and I can get there! We're a good team!


GPS: You disconnected me? How dare you? That's it, I'm getting off of this crazy bluetooth wagon. Good luck getting anywhere in this city without me.

CAR: Sync. Please say a command. Bing!

REBECCA: Bluetooth Audio!

CAR: Ummmm, GPS doesn't really want to talk to me right now, but I'll try to reconnect her...

REBECCA: Aaaaaaaaaaghhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

GPS: Turn left on Bricks Road.

CAR: There you are!


GPS: At the traffic circle, take the fourth right to turn onto Monument.

REBECCA: Traffic circle? I don't see a-- oh, there.

GPS: Turn right on--

REBECCA: WAIT WAIT WAIT That's the church right next to me! And there's the sign for the parking!

CAR: Aww, here already? Hey, here's an idea-- why don't we just listen to a church on the radio and go drive around some more?

REBECCA: You, you mothertruckin' GPS, can just shut up now. I'm not listening to any more of your crazy directions.

GPS: That's some way to talk to the machine that has gotten you home every time you got lost in the city. And that was a lot of times.

REBECCA: Yeah, well, that makes it all the more disappointing that you couldn't even get me through the three turns it should have taken me to get to church. Thanks for nothing. Well, thanks for very little. I can't believe-- AAAAAAAH NO WAIT THIS IS THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ENTRANCE!!!

CAR: Hey, take a chill pill. Did you forget about the part where I have a great turning radius? And brakes. I have super brakes. And there's not even any traffic coming at us. You're awfully wound up. Hey, this ought to cheer you up-- you have almost fifteen minutes until the sermon starts! You parked kinda crooked.

REBECCA: You're small. You fit in the lines.

CAR: I sure do!

REBECCA: Car, thank you for being awesome.

CAR: No problem!

REBECCA: GPS, I'm plotting out a Facebook status in my head. Something along the lines of "Mothertruckin' GPS took me on a tour of Richmond this morning."

GPS: Do you really think that substituting the word "truckin'" for what you really mean is going to make your grandmothers any less shocked when they see your status?

REBECCA: Shut up. I'm going in now.


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